mom

Infants sound like goats

Jolly good news, internet friends: as of October 2nd, I am an auntie!

The squishy bundle arrived early Friday morning, to greet and delight us with his tiny human-ness. His name is Liam, and here is a drawing I made after I first saw him:

burrito liam

The past several months have been a whirlwind of anxiety, laughter, and mostly anxiety while my family awaited his arrival. My younger sister, Shannon, was a cool pregnant person.

Many women develop strange eating habits during their pregnancy. My sister craved perhaps the strangest food combination: pickles and oreos. Yes, you heard it right. Often, the two foods would be consumed together. *shudders*

Months went by, often accompanied by Shannon’s hormonal rages and short bursts of loathing.

super preg

DESTROY THIS WATER

Five minutes later…

sorry i was terrible

KELLY WONT LOVE ME

After the baby arrived, I quickly became aware of the secrets of baby sounds. So mysterious, yet so informative they are! I’ve decided to use advanced scientific formulas and diagrams to show you, the people at home, exactly what baby noises really mean.

  1. Show me the poop

diaper cry

2. Not feeling it

dont feel like crying

3. Back in my day, I used to be comfy

body position cry

 

4. Is it time to panic? I’m panicking.

lost suction cry

5. A light, tropical breeze of sorts

special surprise cry

6. Whatever bro

funny sounds cry

 

7. Meanwhile, on the farm

goat cry

If those graphs don’t make sense, I honestly don’t know what does. I may have never produced more clear information in my life. The bottom line: newborn babies are squirmy little creatures and they often sound like goats. The sounds they make are varied and complex, like an ancient language. Perhaps someday in the future, the power of science can break down these cryptic coos to reveal extraordinary genius.

Does this not look like a genius to you?

liam bird

xo kelly

 

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Granola Bar Glasses

The following post describes an actual event that took place some time ago. It is forever stuck in my mind:

One day, Momsy and I were sitting at the kitchen table doing whatever we do at the kitchen table.

Suddenly, Momsy says to me:

Picture 1

I looked down at the table in front of me and realized that Momsy was gesturing to an object towards my end of the table. However, it wasn’t her glasses – it was a granola bar.

At first, I was confused. Perhaps her glasses were behind the granola bar, or maybe she meant to say “granola bar” but I heard “glasses.”

That was impossible though, because she clearly said “glasses” and was referring to a granola bar.

Picture 2

 

I looked up at Momsy, and back at the granola bar, then back at her. I saw that she was not only already wearing a pair of glasses, but there was an additional pair resting on her head. Both pairs were of little help – clearly – considering she just pointed to a granola bar and said, “Can you pass me my glasses?”

The hilarity of it hit me all at once. It was, honestly, overwhelming. My body started trembling with uncontrollable emotions and sensations. Overall, it was thrilling.

Picture 4

Picture 7

And then, I was gone. I’m not sure why it was as funny as it was, but nevertheless, the situation took over my sense of reality and I couldn’t think of anything funnier than this moment.

Picture 5

Momsy didn’t understand. Of course she didn’t! She did not yet know of her mistake… which made it all the more hilarious.

Picture 8

Between giant gasping haaaa’s and hooooo’s and deep hissing exhales during my fit of laughter, I tried to convey the message.

Picture 11

I also gently mentioned that she was wearing a two pairs of glasses on her head. Momsy finally understood the big picture. It was all too much for her.

Picture 9

 

Picture 12

I tried to reassure her. I don’t think I was very effective…

Picture 13

In the end, Momsy got herself a REAL pair of glasses – ones that actually help her see. No more CVS Pharmacy $3 glasses for this woman! Still, the granola bar incident will live on forever. I don’t even know what happened to that granola bar…if it only knew the incredible role it would have in our lives.

Picture 14

xo kelly