Thunderstorms

For all you people who just love thunderstorms, I envy you. In my body, thunderstorms are the worst. Take all the worst things ever, put them together and wrap them up in shiny paper, and put a bow on it, and you have thunderstorms. If you’re like me, anticipating a thunderstorm is like preparing for the Apocalypse.  You have your gear. You have your rituals. You have your safe spot (usually the dog is in your spot too because dogs know what’s about to go down and they don’t mess around).

Let’s go over exactly why thunderstorms are so dreadful awful.

The most obvious problem here is that the source of the problem is uncontrollable. I can’t control the sky. You can’t control the sky. Your creepy uncle who collects miniature ceramic horses can’t control the sky.

Thunderstorms are evil in their ability to be wherever they want, whenever they want.

First, the sky gets dark and ominous. When has anything good ever come from being dark and ominous? Let’s see….oh yes, nothing good has ever come from darkness and ominousness.

notgood thunderstorm

After the initial stage, when the storm has warmed up and stretched, the real fun begins.

The sky flashes with a bright, blinding light. I for one am only slightly happy about this because it gives me a warning. At the same time, I’m startled by the light – especially if the room I’m in is dark – and thrown off balance entirely. Something like this:

lightning

Then – the worst part – THUNDER. It’s loud. It’s sudden. It’s everywhere. It’s merciless. Thunder, like all sound, cannot be grabbed, pushed, or shooed away. It’s just there, in the air, being a jerk.

Regular people –  those neurotypicals – just love a good thunderstorm. They love to love it, and they don’t understand why I don’t love it. They’re all like:

thunder fun

Those people suck. There, I said it. Meanwhile, I’m like:

boomcrack

As I type this, a thunderstorm is warming up itself in the sky. The lights are flickering. My left eye is twitching. But most importantly, it’s time to make some important decisions. It’s time to look at my choices.

choices

Choice A: My musicians earplugs. I never use these because they are painful and ineffective. This shouldn’t even be a choice… I don’t know why I included it. *facepalm*

Choice B: Orange wax earplugs. Both effective and less painful. AND ORANGE!

Choice C: Noise-canceling headphones. A+ for comfort, but I’ll give them a C- for effectiveness. Thunderstorms are too much for these devices.

Choice D: aka, the best choice. These are my ZEMS.  If I could, I would wear these babies everywhere.

The only way I’ve learned to fight thunderstorms is by wearing my ZEMS. God Bless my ZEMS. They are awkward as hell, but bless ‘em.

ZEMs are worn by people with large heads who work near loud machinery or airplanes. They are also worn by me, and I definitely don’t have a large head by any means. These ear devices look like headphones, only uglier. They take the sound that is coming towards my ears and say “NUH-UH SOUND. NOT TODAY,” and then sound is like, “oh, my bad.”

265-photo3

Above is a gentleman wearing his ZEMS. Nice job, mister. Way to go.

Choice E: My fingers. By shoving my pointer fingers into my ears, I can substantially decrease thunderstorm sound invasion. Further, my fingers make for good rapid-fire ear protection – perfect for those sudden moments of thunderstorm doom when there’s no time for making choices!

Choice F: Finally, we have choice F, meltdown/coma. F stands for failure, futile, freak-out, frenzy, and another f-word. When all else fails, my last choice is to just give into the thunderstorm and have myself a sensory meltdown. Choice F is not very effective, by the way.

So what’s a girl to do?

I often try to pretend to be a thunderstorm badass, but that can be hard to do considering badassery is probably the last characteristic I would pick to describe myself in any given situation. This is what I would look like if I was a thunderstorm badass:

nottodaythunder

…and this is what I look like because I’m not a thunderstorm badass:

blanket safety

Hiding under the thunderstorm protection blanket with my dog.

Speaking of awful noises from the sky, the 4th of July is coming up…like now. I should make a post about that because it’s Independence Day  the worst day of the year.

 

 

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10 comments

  1. My Son had a similar fear. Manifested by Clamping his hands over his ears, screaming, writhing etc. Recently, his discomfort vanished, literally. No rhyme nor reason, it just happened. He actually embraced it. To me it was miraculous.
    I wish you the very best of luck, and I extend my understanding.

    1. Wow, that sounds awful. I’m glad your son is doing much better – it does indeed sound like a miracle! Thank you for your kind words. I’ve been lucky with thunderstorms so far this summer. Hopefully things will stay in my favor.

  2. You have your safe spot (usually the dog is in your spot too because dogs know what’s about to go down and they don’t mess around).

    HA HA HA…

  3. I think what you describe with the neurotypical people might also be the extraordinary power some people have of lying to themselves or saying something different than what they feel and somehow convince everyone. I don’t really know how to describe it. But I’ve heard people say “I LOVE THUNDERSTORMS” and yet I still see their shoulders go up or their eyes go slightly squinty whenever there’s a big flash or boom. So what they say doesn’t match their physical reaction. That means they might be lying. The why is probably social pressure. Adults are not supposed to be scared of thunderstorms.

    I like the low rumbly thunders and I like the taste and smell of thunderstorm rain. But the big loud ones are too much for me. I usually concentrate on comforting my cat during a storm, that comforts me as well.

    1. I definitely agree with you. I know many people who claim to love thunderstorms yet often appear to be very afraid. I want to tell people it’s ok to openly express thunderstorm fear. I sure do! hehehehe

      And I agree, animals can be of much comfort – either they are comforting you or you are comforting them. You should look into a thunderstorm protection blanket, like the one above in my post. My dog and I love it. 🙂
      xo kelly

  4. Learning so much about Sensory Processing disorder… Everyday, I am learning to extend kindness, people go through so much! Glad to connect in your blog.

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